On Back and Forth Pregnancy

When I was 3 weeks and 2 days along I knew that I was pregnant.  I don't care if it seems silly or like maybe it was all in my head, but it is 110% true.  (That's extra true, because of that extra 10%.) 

Lots of pregnancy magazines and websites will tell you that sometimes it is hard to tell if you are pregnant at the beginning because symptoms can be similar to PMS symptoms, or unrelated to anything to do with a baby.  It is not enough to feel a little sick or have unexplained tiredness and then attribute it to possible pregnancy, because those symptoms could be due to pregnancy or they could be attributed to a variety of other things.  

That said, even though it was very early on, on that Monday I was as sure that I was pregnant as I was of anything else in my life.  I had a variety of symptoms and felt (more than anything else) just utterly pregnant.  It was (arguably) too early to test but I got a few tests from the store anyway.  The kids were about to be out of school for the next 16 days and I had been working late on a lot of my Stylo looks, trying to finish as much as possible before their break started so that I could be fully present with them and not thinking about my to do list.  But I had this nagging thought in the back of my head that if I was pregnant than I should start making adjustments to take better care of myself: go to bed instead of pushing through, eat healthier, take a break instead of having extra coffee when I was dragging, etc.

I picked up a double pack of tests on my way to pick up Hannah from preschool and took one after we got home.  I know that mid-day testing is a no-no that early on because it's not very accurate, but because I was feeling everything so strongly I just went for it anyway.  

No plus sign. 

I drifted off to sleep with Hannah feeling really confused about what I was so sure that my body was telling me.  I left the test in the bathroom and didn't look at it again, because there is nothing that feels quite as condescending as a negative pregnancy test, and I didn't want to see it again.  

A few hours later just before Chris got home I grabbed something from the bathroom and glanced again at the test  despite myself.  I thought that I saw the faintest plus sign, but I honestly thought that I was just wishing it on there, or that maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me.  I remember that I kept staring at the wall for a few seconds and then back at the test trying to make sure that I wasn't just squinting the test into submission.  Chris got home a little later and after checking the test and instructions we agreed that it was a faint plus sign.  

Which is why the next few days were so baffling.

When I woke up the next morning I took the second test right away, the most reliable and accurate time, and in flashing black digital letters the words "Not Pregnant" stared up at me.  The test instructions and Google informed me that I had likely been pregnant but that it had already ended.  That week I threw myself into various projects and tried not to let my mind wander, but in general we can just call that "The Week of Blank Staring."

On Friday of that week I was at a friend's house and had told her about my week.  She mentioned that she had an unopened pregnancy test at her house and that I would be taking it with me when I left, which I did.  Hannah and I ran a few errands and I took the test when we got home.  I was surprised again, this time with a postive.

I want to say that this was followed by celebration, but honestly the back and forth of the week had Chris and I on guard.  The next few weeks I took care of myself in all of the right ways (naps, good food, vitamins, etc.) but I felt a bit like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I had a good few weeks with the kids while they were off of school.  We went to the park, took naps together, ate well, went for ice cream.

The shoe never dropped.  When I was 7 weeks I let myself get a picture or two of what appeared to be a small but emerging baby bump.   

I also heard the heartbeat at 7 weeks, via my iPhone.  (I know, I know, but seriously, this app.)  Technology for the win.

And the baby was real and known and loved.  And we are so happy.